Lost my heart
I’m listening to my iPod right now and Keane’s song Crystal Ball is playing. I never paid attention too much to the lyrics before – usually I half hear the music b/c I’m at work and it’s nice to have background noise. But just now, I really listened to the lyrics and felt like a ton of bricks hit me. The first verse got to me – it’s how I feel half the time with this deployment. Here’s an excerpt from the lyrics:
Who is the man I see
Where I’m supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
I’m in one of those darker moods today for whatever reason and these lyrics just hit me. I’ve mentioned before in other posts about having to shut emotions and feelings off to get through the deployment. I go around like a half-human robot to survive and right now I’m pushing my way back into the world of the “feeling” to prepare for seeing Obi-Wan in a month. Emotions are seeping back into my world as I let myself think about him and visualize being with him again. I’m trying to let the feeling creep in slowly instead of all at once but it’s not easy. I can’t wait to see him.
Closing in on being able to spend time with him is really emotional b/c I’ve been shut off to an extent for so long now. And when the time comes, I’ll step into the world of “us” again for a little teaser, and then revert back to my ”unfeeling robot” existence to survive the remaining 3 months before he finally comes home.
I’ve said it before – deployments suck!
I know what you mean about having half-listening and then one day realizing what I’ve been listening to. It’s as though I was never ready to hear the message until that moment.
I think the change in weather hasn’t helped with my mood. Fall has really arrived here in the Midwest. At least there is color change.
Butterfly Wife
October 23, 2007
I too know what you mean about having to tear down the walls for a little bit, only to rebuild them.
*hugs*
Stephanie
October 23, 2007