More deep thoughts on deployment

As I was writing an email to someone tonight, the more I wrote, the more it sounded like I wanted to express those thoughts here. 

Deployments are really tough on many levels.  There are so many head games that we play to survive daily life, mentally and physically.  We have to push forward even when we do not want to, because shutting down is just not an option.  Even if you don’t have other obligations or responsibilities such as families or jobs or dogs, you need to get out of bed for yourself just to say that you did.  It’s a way of proving to yourself that even when life gets hard, it hasn’t beaten you.  You only get one chance at life and you have to find a way to get through the tough times, even if you don’t want to because it will eventually get better.  At least that is the way I think of it.    

In order to really embrace this survival mode, we have to play many head games though.  I was thinking on the way home tonight how I’m 6 weeks away from seeing my husband.  I’m excited as hell but I feel weird at the same time.  The reason is that I haven’t thought of seeing him in so long because to do so would have just upset me so badly.  I had to shut down that part of myself to an extent when he left to survive.  I couldn’t think about how badly I wanted to just bring him back immediately and hug him and kiss him b/c it hurt too much.  And so those feelings in me have remained fairly dormant for awhile now.  But, we are closing in on his long awaited R&R time and we’ll finally get to see each other.  It will have been about 9 months since we last saw each other and that is the longest time we’ve spent apart.  Even now when I think of it, it’s hard to imagine we will be face to face for two whole weeks.  I’m almost afraid to imagine it. 

And that is the drawback with these head games we play.  I need to shut part of myself off but if I let it go too long, I’m afraid I won’t feel at all sometimes.  I have to find that switch in me and turn it back on to remind myself that I have a relationship that will need nurturing in person soon.  I’ve gotten so used to just the phone calls and email that it’s hard to picture returning to a state of normalcy.  Of course that will happen and I will jump in feet first with excitement.  Deep down I can’t wait to see him and I can’t wait for him to come home.  But now I need to switch gears and actually visualize seeing him and being with him again. 

One valuable thing I learned from another salty Navy wife on the first deployment 5 years ago was that they never get easier … just different.  Every situation is different even though certain things may remain the same such as the fact that they are on a ship.  But you change constantly, you grow, and you deal with each deployment differently (at least I do to a certain extent).  I’m a little stronger with each one, but I’m also more in love and involved with my husband each time as well and it makes it that much harder.